20 things you shouldn't say to an OFSTED inspector:

'Do you mind cleaning the sink out for me?'

'Don't sit there, you imbecile.'

'Look, these pants were clean on this morning.'

'I've arranged for you to perform "Stand up, Clap Hands, Shout Thank-you Lord" in assembly'

'That's quite an arse you've got there.'

'Would you like to see our Gerbil's genitals, they're enormous!'

'If you can find my planning, you can look at it.'

'Numeracy hour? No you've lost me I'm afraid.'

'I think you'll find that it's perfectly acceptable to do the plenary at the beginning of the lesson.'

'Ah, I'm glad you got here before me, otherwise this lot would have been unsupervised.'

'Me and you on the front playground, NOW!'

'No you cannot look in the children's draws, you filthy man!'

'Yes I know it may look like a WHSmith poster, but the children happen to be very good at art actually.'

'I find that if the children swear at you, swearing right back at them puts you in control again.'

'Welcome to life-drawing class. Pop your clothes on the chair.'

'You talking to me? You talking to me? Well I don't see anybody else here...'

'Alright Mr.Cleverdick, you take the bloody Home Economics class.'

'Would you mind just holding this electric fire and this bucket of water for me. Yes, that's right, we're doing Science.'

'Do you take cyanide, er.. sugar in your coffee?'

'So, how many people did you have to sleep with to get this job?'