20 things you won't hear an OFSTED inspector say:

'I blame the parents.'

'Who needs objectives anyway?'

'Oh, I wish I was still a class teacher.'

'Frankly, you are working far too hard.'

'Try to do your marking with a little more pace.'

'Is your Headteacher always that stupid?'

'You run an after-school club and don't get paid for it? That's a disgrace!'

'I was never much of a teacher myself.'

'Let me take the lesson to show you what I mean.'

'Come on folks, grab a clipboard - inspect me!!'

'Well, I can see I'm not needed here.'

'Hello children, I'm your teacher's little helper!'

'Let me take you all to the pub and buy you lunch.'

'Give me two minutes and I'll have my PE kit on.'

'I'm going to propose that your senior management team be publicly tortured.'

'I shall be helping the caretaker clean the toilets if anybody wants me.'

'Anybody want a coffee?'

'If you do what I suggest and still fail, I'll resign.'

'It's who you know, not what you know.'

'Just forget the plenary. They're not bloody listening anyway.'