Aim: To make OFSTED inspectors believe that you are a conscientious and hard-working teacher.
Resources: A class of children who are well versed in phrases such as "Excuse me please sir", "This is a most interesting lesson and no mistake" and "You're a wonderful teacher, you really are."
Before the lesson: Ensure that all the children have experienced the exact same lesson on at least three previous occasions, and have at those times received significant monetary reward for good behaviour. The standard payment for model answers to difficult questions is a £10 phone card per answer, with the extra incentive of half an hour's filter-free internet access for the most thoughtful comment.
Preparation: Ensure that the walls are covered with the most interesting and inspiring work. More importantly, ensure that the children, if asked, will totally accept that the work belongs to them, despite the teachers having completed most of it during the lunch break.
Avoid starting the lesson in the usual "Shut up and listen, you ignorant morons" manner. Instead, use phrases like "I'm very excited about this lesson. I think we're going to learn something really super." The children will be so startled by your apparent transformation into a 1950s Watch with Mother presenter that they will initially be struck dumb and appear totally attentive.
Waving the arms around and looking thoughtfully to the ceiling will give the inspector the impression that you are interested in your subject. One may find it useful to imagine oneself delivering a Martin Luther King style speech during this moment, as it will increase the potency of the emotion.
During the introduction to the lesson, take the opportunity to comment on previous achievements by the children. These need not be actual achievements that have occurred, as most children will willingly accept praise for made up exploits.
Before the lesson, explain to the children that the inspector will be wandering around the room looking at the quality and quantity of their work. You should tell the children that the purpose of this is to identify the underachievers so they can be sent to a secure school in the country.
If you should spot a potentially embarrassing child being approached by the inspector you will need to think quickly. A good ploy is to send the child to the school nurse to receive their medication. Take any arguing by the child as evidence that the previous dose has worn off.
If you run out of things to do during the main activity, the following ideas may help:
- look at your watch and nod your head
- lean over the shoulders of children and point at their work
- write words on the board (pretty much anything will be acceptable)
- grin at the inspector (not quite sure why you need to do this)
- say "well done!" and "fantastic!" in a loud voice
At the end of the lesson, instead of shouting "don't forget your mobile phones" as the children run from the room, calmly say "I feel we learned a great deal there, and I'm very excited about it."